Sunday, October 30, 2011

It's amazing how many people in Chat Roulette will 'interact' with a teddy bear seated on cushion.

This 'project' demonstrates a few things. One thing it certainly demonstrates is how bored and alone and dorky I am...and how unfit for human interaction. I thought about having the bear sitting there, and then when people connect through Chat Roulette, and they see the bear sitting there, and they laugh a little while at the goofy and innocent nature of it -- THEN I would spring into the camera's view wearing nothing but...but...I didn't do that.

Yep. Only a bored and lonely person would do this.

Another demonstration of my lonesomeness came yesterday. I was sitting here on the internet and there was a harsh knock at the door. I looked through the peep hole, and it was The Man. An officer of the court was here to serve divorce papers. I had been expecting it at some point, I guess, but it was still pretty jarring. Time to move on for real, I guess.

It's hard to build a life. It's sad, but she was my one and only real, lasting friend for a lot of years...until it started falling apart. She was my life, I followed her up and down the east coast, leaving friends and opportunities behind - to be with her. Now I have to build a new life. I've had a bunch of false starts already...different scenes...different activities...activities and scenes that I thought would be cool...and that I thought would help me meet people. It's not easy for me to make and keep friends.

At least work is going pretty good. Maybe I'll just hang with work people nine to five and whenever...

A couple of hardcore loners I know tell me that I have to just get used to being alone sometimes.

Monday, October 24, 2011

This Guy Is My Hero!

...along with this chick, and this dude and this dude. But I'm not trippin. I'm finding my own flavor. But yeah, I'm a sucker for this stuff lately....

Sunday, October 23, 2011

M's Shoes

A couple of hours ago, I woke up thinking about that girl whose name begins with an 'M.' Then I started thinking about that ex-boyfriend of hers. I thought about those two, together. Apparently they have reconciled, and he has moved in with her. He was the guy before me, and now he's the guy after me. I always end up feeling bad when I think about her, I'll just call her M.

The last time she came to my place (she crept over here a couple weeks ago to get one last night of thrills. She was probably 'reconciled' with the dude at this point...because she was acting sneaky), she left her shoes over here, some Crocs. We were texting back and forth about the shoes. I was joking around, saying I would use them for 'inappropriate activities' know...a fetish-type thing...just jokin around like that, crazy and dirty as usual...I won't say exactly what we were joking around about, but you get the point...that thing you do when you're alone and you're horny...but in this case, her shoes would be 'involved' in this horny some way.

I was hoping she'd come back over to get her shoes....or that she'd invite return her shoes to her. But...they're just shoes... She's got like four pairs of these goddam crocs. I hate Crocs...I think they're the ugliest shoe ever invented. Everybody in Florida wears them.

I think what I am going to do is this: Crocs don't have shoe laces, right, so I am going to get some fishing line. I'm going to attach one shoe to each end of a length of fishing line. Then, I am going to toss them up on a power line. I have not decided where yet. It would be a little creepy or stalking if I did it at her apartment complex...and I don't want to fuck her up with her boyfriend...the boyfriend - she talked about him all the time, I knew this reconciliation with them was coming, "We're just having fun," she said, "There is not a future for 'us'" ...she was straight with me, but still: like a dope, I fell for her hard. Two heartbreaks in one year is two too many (wife left in January...M pretty much ended our thing in...August, I guess). So where will I toss M's shoes? I could do it outside her friend's place, where she hangs out every night, but...again...stalking...creepy behavior. I could toss em at the place where I first met her...and I think that is what I will do. She is a regular there...she attends a particular monthly event there...which I also attend... She will arrive and see some shoes on the powerline. She will recognize the shoes. She will say "Ah, damn!" I will play dumb...if she asks me...if she even talks to me, "Nah, Baby. I got your shoes at my place. Come on over and get em." And I'll sit inside quietly, not answering the door, holding back the laughs.

Before I give the shoes back to the universe though, I am going to have my 'way' with them a few more times (just kidding...or am I....?).

Thursday, October 20, 2011

I am working some long hours. My life is so jacked up, I'd rather just be at work I guess. I'm learning lots and lots of stuff...and I'm hoping I'll learn even more...and...then I'll be really productive really soon! I figure if I work long and hard I can improve my situation and maybe hang around with some work friends...and put away a little extra cheese and see what it looks like when I come out of the tunnel. I was worried that too much work would deaden my brains....but...little weeds will grow out of the cracks in my skull now and then and hopefully they'll be prettyful. I said a bunch of craaazaaay stuff on the mic at a spoken word event the other night...and it was really fun.

I got my work. I got my drum circles. I got my spoken word thing once a month. I got my mad sticky note graffiti/propaganda thing going down on newspaper boxes all over town. I'm a low-grade freak doing what freaks do. I'm at one with the universe, but I wish the universe would through a little lurv my way. CC me on some lurv, Universe!

Monday, October 17, 2011

The struggle of life -- is so much of a struggle because I am makin it so! Aren't all of my problems invented - by me? I enjoy my problems too much, I think. I'm 40 years old, and I'm still trying to figure this stuff out.

So what's my problem? What are my numerous problems? Well, the biggest one lately is that the pretty women is a troublin my mind. There's one in particular who is troublin my mind real good...with her dirty text messages and teasing and taunting and insulting and haunting. I'm no longer in her prime-time...I got the Tuesday night at 11:30 slot, or Wednesday night at 10:00. It depends on how drunk she gets, and when. The weekends are reserved for her special someone...and she considers me a 'risk.' We were playing house for a good little while there...we were together like three or four or five days a week, for like ten weeks...and then that dropped off to basically...very...very infrequent drunken mistakes. Disturbances in my positively charged void. She 99% dumped me. 100% probably would have been better.

Don't get me wrong: I have moments of absolute peace...walking meditations...waiting for a screen to load...when the dragon flies hover in to greet me....when I'm outside smokin and I begin to hear every single sound there is in the whole municipality....head clear, eyes clear. Sometimes I see a very beautiful thing...I don't mean a woman, I mean a beautiful nature thing or a beautiful human gesture

I want to hang on to my stories, but the old wise women and men tell ya: Let em go! Let go of the stories in the mind. I let them go but they come back...they come stalking back or they come charging back. The stories. The stories. I gotta tell em...maybe they'll help somebody out or give somebody a couple laughs.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Somebody lit off some very loud, crackly fireworks out in the parking lot at that's it for my good night's sleep. I was out of cigarettes too.


At first there seemed to be an inner circle and an outer circle. The inner circle that I perceived consisted of the drummers. The outer circle consisted of party-people and gawkers, people getting tanked and occasionally watching the drummers. But that's just my little mind creating make-believe divisions...boundaries...I guess. Maybe it's not just about the drummers. Obviously it's not just about the drummers. There are hula-hoopers and people playing with fire and people blowing gigantic bubbles, and there are amazing dancers, and yeah, there are people doing some drinking and probably a lot of other stuff. The circle attracts so many people who are into so many different things. It attracts such a diverse crowd, you really would not believe it unless you went there.

I walked up to this event by myself. I drank waaay too much that first time. I danced. I probably looked like an idiot...maybe I was supposed to be dancing like an ludicrous. Still, I felt like I was in the outer circle, the perceived outer circle. But I was meeting people. The people I met - some have become friends - one, became a really good broke my heart (My poor little heart. My poor little mind: I'm trusting it's output less and less these days...which means I am trusting it more and more).

After a few months, I got myself a drum. I have no rhythm, I have been told. I believed it. But now...there are times...when it seems like I am completely synched up with the Big Beat. Sometimes my hands fall clumsily and uncertain and offbeat. And I rest...and I wait for the Big Beat to absorb me again, and I join back in...and stop thinkin...

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A friend and I explored a mostly abandoned golf tennis resort. I didn't capture it very well because we were just horsing around, being goofy, not being serious journalists or nothin like that. It was weird to see a place like this - in a condition like this. The place probably used to be full of snooty snoots and richie riches...but now, the weeds and the graffiti and the cracks crept all over it.

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This is place an old place I used to walk or run or ride bikes used to be a happy place...but now it is a sad place...but probably: it is neither. It's just a pretty my opinion.

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I do love to be on front of my sprawling audience of zero.