Thursday, December 8, 2011

Meds? Or No Meds?

If you've read anything at all at this blog, you have probably surmised that I am a guy with quirks. Another way of expressing the concept of 'quirks' might be to express it as 'possible mental health issues'


Today I am taking what they humorously call a 'mental health day' -- only, it is a little more for-real than the glib usage, in today's case. I'm already feeling a little bit better for having made this decision. I got some coffee going, and I also got some music going - music from where I'm 'from' ...I won't bore ya with play lists.

I'm feeling so much better in fact, that I'm almost feeling like I should go to work. But. I'll not fall into that trap. I'll go for a full day's worth of recovery, not just a pot of coffee's worth or one album's worth....

Anyway, last night, somebody with ADHD described to me the symptoms of ADHD. I have it for sure. Self-diagnosing is a dangerous path, I know, but I'm thinking I do indeed have it. I have all those symptoms. And more. I also have some serious...feelings's hard to describe: it's a mix. I dwell on mistakes I have made. I dwell on memories of situations when people have rejected me or...'relegated' me (?) (right word?). I have depression too, but, who doesn't. I got it bad.

So the point that I intended to make is this: I'm struggling with the decision about whether I should 'see somebody' and 'find the right medicine for me.' Here are some of my worries: What if I get canned? Because I kind of suck at my job (not just pity-partying here, I really do suck at it, I couldn't configure myself out of the friggin can), ya, what if I go on some medication, and then they lay my ass off...and then I can't afford the medicine nomore...You hear all the terrible stories of people who suddenly 'go off their medicine.'

Another concern I have is this: My ex-wife went on Pristiq, right, and she completely transformed into different person before my eyes. It was startling to see see somebody you've known for 13 years...somebody you loved and who you know EVERYTHING see them just change see the former parts of them melt away and see the mechanical being that emerges and does not seem to give much of a fuck about anything except mechanical things. She said she feels better who am I to judge

Another concern or consideration is this: Maybe I ain't all that bad. Maybe I can do it on my own. I've put lots of effort and babbling in on the spiritual healing pursuits...I feel good when I read Good Stuff and watch videos of The Good Stuff and when I'm around people sharing in the Good Stuff....but the bad stuff still gets on me quick, hard and heavy. I can't spend 24 hours of all seven days with my nose in self-help books or spiritual books, I can't spend all my time watching satsangs on YouTube. I need some take-away healing. I need some take-away strength.

Earlier in the year, I started an account at Daily Strength, and I was posting and participating regularly for a while there. After reading how bad some people got it though...I thought: wow, I might not be that bad off. That doesn't necessarily help 100%, but, it gives one some perspective.

1 comment:

  1. Why not try something more holistic for depression? Meds are so awful for your body and your body will just become dependent on popping pills just to essentially numb you. also face bloat from anti-depressants does not go away and it rapes you of creativity. If youre bipolar or borderline or something then i understand being medicated just to be able to function. but if you've dealt with it this far and have a job, place to live, and friends then you'd likely be able to tackle anything from strength alone, do you know what i mean? you seem pretty strong.

    have you ever tried going to a meetup? they are great. even if you're a wallflower. just being in a group of people all interested in something similar gives a sense of community. passion is contagious and inspiring.